I wish I could teleport
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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