yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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