all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
