I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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