I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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