So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
