I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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