1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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