K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
