it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
