He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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