We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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