Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
How external is "for external use only"?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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