Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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