this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
