man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
