You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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