Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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