i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
