Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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