I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
