Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
