I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
