beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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