I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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