we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
