I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
