I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
