Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
