I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
