He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
