Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
