I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
