Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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