when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Vodka?
Forever.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
