Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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