I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
