And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
