Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
