i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
