Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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