I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
