...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
