also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
