he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm getting married
To pizza
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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