My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
