I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
