Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
