I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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