pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
