The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
