My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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