I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.