If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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