Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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