u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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